Pat’s Point of View

Received in a recent email, surely written by an Englishman.

Merry Christmas

Symptom	Fault	Action
Feet cold and wet.	Glass being held at incorrect angle.	Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
Feet warm and wet.	Improper bladder control.	Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
Drink unusually pale and tasteless.	Glass empty.	Get someone to buy you another drink.
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.	You have fallen over backward.	Have yourself lashed to bar.
Mouth contains cigarette butts.	You have fallen forward.	See above.
Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.	Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.	Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
Floor blurred.	You are looking through bottom of empty glass.	Get someone to buy you another drink.
Floor moving.	You are being carried out.	Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
Room seems unusually dark.	Bar has closed.	Confirm home address with bartender.
Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.	Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.	Cover mouth.
Everyone looks up to you and smiles.	You are dancing on the table.	Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
Drink is crystal-clear.	It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.	Punch him.
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.	You have been in a fight.	Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.	You’ve wandered into the wrong party.	See if they have free alcohol.
Your singing sounds distorted.	The drink is too weak.	Have more alcohol until your voice improves.
Don’t remember the words to the song.	Drink is just right.	Play air guitar.

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